Today I went and saw a spiritual director. I have never been to one and had no idea of what to expect. I went to try something new and it was free and 3 of my friends also went to see on this morning. It was a complete blessing. We all shared parts of our life and they helped point out some things to us and gave us some advice for the future.
I talked about some of my struggles with my faith. I have been wrestling with some issues so I talked about my struggle. It was nice talking to someone about things I struggle with and being able to be free to share. So many times as a minister you find it hard to share with others especially at church. This is sad but we rarely encourage people to share our struggles, heartaches, pain, and sin.
I think anytime we share our heart we would like someone to give us great advice or the answers to all our questions. I have been praying for peace and that God would answer my questions. My spiritual advisor prayed that God would continue to wrestle with me like he did with Jacob. I though about stopping the prayer and saying I want peace not more struggling. But I know that this struggle has caused me to study more, pray more, question more, and open up more. This wrestling is tiresome but also helpful. As I began to reflect back on the past 2 years it is amazing to see how my life has changed for the better due to my wrestling with God.
One thing I have learned over this weekend is that in every struggle, heart ache, pain, hurt, loss, and victory God is trying to teach us something new. He is hoping that we will let go and allow him to teach us and take us into a deeper relationship with God. These times are often scary but can be an adventure. Has we prayed for God to wrestle with me I realized how blessed I was and that maybe one of the reasons God and I are wrestling is that I may be fighting Him. It may be that I am fighting because I know if I let go I will no longer be in control or should I say feel like I am in control. Anyway I have been trying to come to grips with all this for 2 years and today helped me feel better about the process and to think about why this is occurring.
In the end I was encouraged to immerse myself in the gospels and spend time with Jesus and walk with him through the gospels. So I think that is what I will do starting tomorrow. Today I am going to rest, reconnect with Dana, and get some sleep.